Have you been burned in a past relationship and afraid to start something new because you think you will fail again?
Are you dating but struggling to get past the first date or second date?
It's time to do something about this, and the good news is....... I have some tried and tested tips to help you deal with the 'stuff' that needs sorting
The first and most important thing we need to start with is you!
Have you made the mistake of thinking that your last (or any relationship) has been a waste of your valuable time? Just after I left my previous partner of ten years, I thought, what a waste of such a big chunk of my life.
Not long after I split from my partner and reflected on the bitterness of my precious lost ten years, I started to look at what had gone wrong and why.
Are you dating people and then realising they are not your type of person, or do they say things that don't align with your thinking?
If you think you see yourself in either of these scenarios, all is not lost. We (Melinda & I) have been working with clients over the last few years to get the answers to their problems.
You can make the pain of dating the wrong people go away:
The Importance of Self-Reflection.
Many of us who are currently single seniors entered into relationships during the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s when we were in our late teens or early twenties. Back then, we didn't have a clear understanding of what we truly wanted or how to achieve it. We were never given advice on the importance of establishing a connection with ourselves before seeking a partner. As a result, for various reasons, we find ourselves single during the middle or later stages of our lives. Our perspectives on "self-reflection" may differ based on our upbringing and place of birth, and our beliefs and attitudes are diverse and deeply ingrained.
Being able to evaluate your strengths and weaknesses, or what you did right or wrong, can help you identify areas for growth and improvement so that you can work on them.
While it’s easy to blame someone else for everything that went wrong, self-reflection can help you understand what behaviours of yours contributed to the split.
Being mindful of these behaviours can be helpful in your approach to a new relationship.
Question: Have you found yourself having different values, opinions and moral positions on important matters in life from your romantic partner? How did this happen?
Romantic attraction is unpredictable, and we can often get tripped up by focusing on looks and personality.
Self-reflection can help you understand what you believe in and why. This can help ensure that your words and actions are more aligned with your core values. If you don't have your values at the forefront of your mind when seeking a new partner, then you are setting yourself up to fail.
As we progress through different stages of life, our values and beliefs have the potential to evolve. It is beneficial to dedicate some time to reflect on what truly matters to us, especially during mid-life or later stages, as we may have accumulated false ideas or thought patterns that don't align with our authentic selves. These misconceptions can hinder us from forming genuine connections with others.
Ask yourself meaningful questions: Consider questions like "What do I value in a partner?" "What are my needs and desires in a relationship?" "What patterns or behaviours have I noticed in my past relationships?" "What parts of my own life bring me joy and fulfilment?"
Writing can help you gain clarity and bring hidden thoughts and emotions to the surface.
Pondering these questions can guide your self-reflection and help you gain insight.
Reflect on meaningful experiences: Think about past experiences when you felt fulfilled, proud, or deeply satisfied. Consider moments when you were at your best or felt a strong sense of purpose. What values were present in those moments? For example, you may have felt a sense of adventure, compassion, or creativity.
Consider what matters most to you: Ask yourself what is truly important in your life. Think about the qualities and principles that you want to embody. Is it honesty, kindness, independence, fairness, or personal growth? Make a list of these qualities or values that resonate with you.
Examine your role models: Reflect on people you admire, whether they are personal acquaintances, public figures, or historical figures. What qualities do they possess that you find inspiring? These qualities might align with your core values.
Identify your non-negotiables: Consider the aspects of life or relationships that you are unwilling to compromise on. What values must be present for you to feel fulfilled and authentic? For instance, you might value trust, respect, or open communication.
Prioritise and narrow down your list: Review the values you have identified and start prioritising them. Ask yourself which values are most essential and fundamental to who you are. Try to narrow down your list to around 5-10 core values that resonate deeply with you. (go to www.select-connections.com and complete our contact form to receive a copy of our values worksheet)
Remember, identifying your core values is a personal and introspective process. Be patient with yourself and allow time for reflection. Trust your intuition and listen to what resonates deeply within you.
How you see yourself affects how others see you - if you behave as if you have value, others will see you as valuable.
When dating, it can be challenging to fully understand someone's core values right from the start, as they may not always be immediately evident or people may not be upfront about their true values.
Next week: We will be providing you with the steps you can take to gain a better understanding of a potential partner's values over time: